The virus is endemic and will infect all eventually. The vaccinated and unvaccinated alike will to varying degrees feel the impact. We are all vulnerable.

As I am giving the details to my oldest son, it occurred to him what I was going through.

“Mom, is this the first time you have had a parent near death?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve been in your position twice.”

In that moment, the world became more unstable, less reliable, and predictably unpredictable. My dad is very sick. And I feel helpless to do anything for him. I pray for his lungs to take on the oxygen his body so desperately needs. I pray for wisdom for the doctors to treat him (his particularness of body, mind, soul). I pray for peace for my mom, alone and desiring for her husband of 52 years this month to come home where he belongs.

Though I know God hears the prayers, the roller coaster of “dad’s doing well today” to “dad’s not improved today” scares me, if I’m honest. I’m forced to fathom that no matter what we do, we literally control nothing but our attitude, how we respond. My attitude, my own response, is less than ideal. I’m angry dad got so sick. I’m angry this virus is out of control. I’m angry at the attitudes of others who are so condemning and judgmental over a person they know nothing about.  

• Some do all the “right” things, and get sick.
• Some do all the “wrong” things, and get sick.
• Some do all the “right” things, and don’t get sick.
• Some do all the “wrong” things, and don’t get sick.

We all do, at one time or another, the “right” things and the “wrong” things, and we will all get sick.

Difficult times are endemic and will affect all eventually. The kind and the unkind alike will to varying degrees experience dark times. We are all vulnerable.

This is not how we needed to start the new year. With the very real concept that death takes all men and women. That none are immune to the grave. Not even the ones we love.

I find myself taking in slow, deep breaths as if I can help my dad’s lungs take in more oxygen an hour away from his hospital bed. This meditative breathing becomes a prayer to the One who is and who supplies the breath of life. My prayer becomes a plea. Dear God, I know he is yours, but not now.

My sisters and I keep in touch with mom about dad’s progress. They are both in the medical field and I am the hippy who reads him poems. Our group text becomes a mixture of medical stats and words of encouragement. Though we all have our strong opinions about how this happened and why, we know that in this time and space what dad needs most is our attention drawn to his healing. Not condemnation or judgement or opinions strong.

• Some know all the “right” things, and misunderstand the truth.
• Some know all the “wrong” things, and misunderstand the truth.
• Some know all the “right” things, and understand the truth.
• Some know all the “wrong” things, and understand the truth.

We all know, at one time or another, the “right” things and the “wrong” things, and we will all misunderstand what is true.

Brokenness is endemic and will harm all eventually. The righteous and unrighteous alike will to varying degrees live broken lives. We are all vulnerable.

My sister took dad to the ER last week and stayed with him until it became crystal clear that he was not leaving the ER and would eventually be admitted to the hospital. Mom was never allowed to visit him in the ER. Because he couldn’t get admitted until a bed was freed (and he was the 8^th in line for a room at the hospital), he had to stay in the ER. The room was not equipped for overnight stays. He had no room to relax. No room for his things. No room for his wife to help carry his burden.

Once in the hospital, my mom was again forbidden to see her husband of 52 years this month. She has cleaned her house several times over waiting for him to come home. They can FaceTime, but that isn’t the same. Like the form of a communion without the touch.

We understand, or at least want to understand, why. This is a dangerous virus; highly contagious. And yet, I have had friends who had family die for lack of contact with those they love. In a broken world full of broken people, this solace of a loved one holding hands in the hospital room has been taken away. How much more wretched can this become?

• Some force all the “right” things, and destroy healing.
• Some force all the “wrong” things, and destroy healing.
• Some force all the “right” things, and create healing.
• Some force all the “wrong” things, and create healing.

We all force, at one time or another, the “right” things and the “wrong” things, and we all destroy healing.

The Character of God is endemic throughout this universe. His character permeates through believers and unbelievers in varying degrees. We are all vessels of God’s Character.

“The Lord passed before him (Moses) and proclaimed, ‘The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgressions and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and fourth generation.’ And Moses quickly bowed his head toward the earth and worshiped.” Exodus 34:6-8

The Hebrew word to describing the character of God in this passage is hesed (or chesed). It’s one word with layers upon layers of meaning: loving kindness, merciful, forgiving, just, steadfast love, gracious, faithful, etc… These are the traits God wove into our being for us to cultivate or neglect. I’ll admit, during sickness, difficult times, and in this broken world cultivating loving kindness and mercy and grace and forgiveness is not easy. Nor fun. Nor even doable at times.

When your family member or someone you love is struggling for breath alone in a hospital room with strangers, being kind gets real. My sisters have found the hospital staff friendly and helpful. My mom has received words of encouragement and mercy from friends and family all over the place. Dad has gotten more calls in that lonely hospital room than he has the whole of last year in his humble home.

My family feels the kindness of strangers and friends. My family experiences the mercy of God through the hands and feet of people walking this broken world with us. My family delights in forgiveness with others in these difficult times. My family relies on the steadfastness of the Love of God even in the midst of a virus attacking indiscriminately those we love.

• Some do all the “right” things, and neglect love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and kindness.
• Some do all the “wrong” things, and neglect love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and kindness.
• Some do all the “right” things, and cultivate love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and kindness.
• Some do all the “wrong” things, and cultivate love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and kindness.

We all do, at one time or another, the “right” things and the “wrong” things. We all neglect and at times cultivate the character of God in our own lives. Usually, we neglect for hate is easy and love is grueling.

Even in our faithlessness, God is always:

• KIND
• GRACIOUS
• MERCIFUL
• FORGIVING
• HEALING
• JUST
• FAITHFUL
• LOVE

God is the very meaning of love.

And we are all vulnerable.