We were young. And so it happens that in youth and haste that decisions are made and hearts are broken. So, we married and we divorced becoming walking wounded with a child confused and hurt, but loving her parents anyway. Even when we could not love each other. Where does this leave love that can one day burn bright and the next be extinguished through tears and harms?

Is God love? Really and truly? When a couple in their anger destroy a home that their little girl found safety in? Does Jesus really love us when we are unlovable?

This woman who could have taken every occasion to bring up how I did things wrong, who could have told me how I tore a family apart, who could have told me how I selfishly took her granddaughter away never raised an unkind word towards me. She loved Jesus and let everyone know that Jesus loves them. Even me, her ex-daughter-in-law who lived in her own hurts and doubts for many years.

Divorce is not a clean separation. It is not a simple decision that leads to the empowerment of the divorcees to live strong, separate lives. It doesn’t serve to further finding oneself amidst this lost world. Divorce isn’t the freedom hurting people look for. Sometimes it is needed, and I’ll admit for my daughter’s parents, it truly was. But healing from that hurt doesn’t come from signed legal papers and court hearings and child support and time sharing and “moving on”.

Healing from that hurt doesn’t come from signed legal papers and court hearings and child support and time sharing and “moving on”.

Healing comes from Jesus.

And she knew this. She prayed for me and my daughter and her son. I know she did, because she knew Jesus. She knew he loved this hurting family especially in our brokenness.

She passed unexpectedly recently. My daughter told me on Sunday and my mind couldn’t comprehend. But my heart hurt for my child. A parent watching their child hurt, hearing grief in their voice, breaks your heart like nothing in this world can. I cannot take that pain of hers. I cannot help her through this sorrow. And I realized through this week as the reality set in of my own grieving that perhaps is why I am ineffective at walking my daughter through her sorrow.

Through all her son and I put the family through, she loved me. Divorce is not a clean separation. Relationships are complex. This child we had together; we still have together and will always have together. And we will share a grandchild together. These bonds continue in time and space, for all time and space. There was a point, though, where we put the papers away, the animosity behind us, and walked in this reality. We chose to engage in celebrations for this daughter of ours. Many times, it involved all the family. Including her. She always accepted me as a once-part of the family, but still a part of her love. Her kindness and grace covered my own insecurities and worries. I always loved talking with her. Especially when we talked of the LORD.

As the week has gone on, I see these pictures of her life on FaceBook. Moments in time with those she loved, of whom was everyone she met because she LOVED Jesus deeply and intimately. I picked up my daughter’s baby book and slowly flipped through the pages. Divorce is not a clean separation. There were pictures torn and bent. Those were the ones with my daughter’s dad in them. The emotions of that time came back. While the divorce was active and court hearings constant, the hurt and anger and fear moved me to destroy these captured moments of my daughter’s father.

I did the best I could with the tools that I had. But dear God, if I could teach one thing to anyone right now going through a divorce, it would be this: Don’t destroy the pictures. Put those pictures in a box to give to your children when they grow. You do not need to have a sink-filled bonfire in your garage-turned-apartment living space as a show of freedom from that abusive man.

The photobook felt heavy in my hands and I closed it. Not until I found one picture of this dear woman holding her little granddaughter. It was a day we met with her and some friends and shared a meal. I snapped the picture. A moment in time. All the emotions and worries of that day are gone.

They say time heals all wounds. It doesn’t. A torn picture is all that is needed to bring you back to the past. They say letting go of relationships heals all hurts. It doesn’t. A death is all that is needed to bring back memories of the good and the bad.

We live in a messy world and this is a messy memorial, because relationships are messy. It is more than messy, isn’t it. Her sudden death forces all of us to realize that we live in a world that is stained ever by sin and suffering. But she would shout this now: Jesus loves you so incredibly much that he took that sin and suffering to a Roman cross and died of a broken heart. He was buried, covered by a stone taking with him the brokenness of the world.

Those years after the divorce, navigating the world as a single, working mom, I couldn’t see hope or grace or love. I made tons of mistakes. Too short tempered. Too worried about money. Too scared when my daughter went to the “evil” ex’s house. Too fearful that I wasn’t enough. I soon faced the reality that I couldn’t live in freedom because the divorce didn’t give me that. There is no freedom in anger, in hate, in hurt, in worry, in fear. In a moment, the LORD showed me that freedom was only found in Jesus. I hear her words whispered in grace, “I love you and Jesus loves you more.”

This cross and death that Jesus endured was out of love for me. He knew/knows my own sins. As type A, perfectionist, controlling person that I am, I am nothing but a sinner. His death showed me the complete multi-dimensional space he would go through to bring me to YHWH. If he could carry my sins to the cross and bury them in a borrowed grave to demonstrate his love and forgiveness to me, he could do this with my mortal enemy, my daughter’s father.

That forgiveness of someone who hurt me shocked me. But the truth of it was undeniable. So, I left the grave of unforgiveness. Jesus resurrected me because he is the only one resurrected from death. His life brought me hope, grace, mercy, forgiveness. I did the work to forgive my daughter’s father. Her grandma’s love of Jesus, I am convinced, helped me through this process. She never said anything to me, except talking about her love of the LORD. This sweet woman’s prayers for my child and her parents gave the Spirit time to open my eyes.

I do adore this family so much, my daughter’s father and his loved ones who are all grieving now. Divorce is not a clean separation. And my husband and I will gather with this grieving family to say goodbye to such a dear woman. She would have you, my dear friends, know that she loves you and Jesus loves you more.

I love you, my friends. But Jesus loves you more.