O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Selah.

And now, O LORD, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Psalm 39: 4-5, 7

The Bible has many references to the brevity of our days, how to number our days, that our days are like the grass that is here and then gone. When you have circled the Sun a few rounds, you feel the evanescent nature of life and living and the ever onward marching of time. It is worth considering the measure of our days and the breaths that make our moments. In this meditation, we should consider how then to live, think, and be. Marcus Aurelius summarizes this simply:

You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.

Writing The Eulogy

It was just a normal day with a normal drive. I turned left, passed a school, some buildings, and a cemetery. He was just sitting there on the cold, dead grass, smoking his cigarette looking at the headstone. My car traveled past and I turned at the next right leaving the cemetery and the man in the rear view mirror. Whom did he lose to feel compelled to sit in the grass on a random wintry Friday afternoon? What did the life that once was and now gone mean to him to share a cigarette with the cold ground?

You are writing your eulogy now. Eulogies are spoken at your last earthly appearance. The one party all about you, yet you will not be there. Maybe your body, maybe your ashes. For ashes are all that is left. What others say about you is a result of how you lived and how you interacted with them. The praise spoken or words withheld will be a direct result of the relationship they had with you.

You are writing your eulogy now with every action, every word, every relation, every judgment, every decision.

spiritofmemories

Sitting in those churches, listening to the ones brave enough to breathe through grief to shower praise on their loved one now so far from them, I was eerily stuck with that sentiment. I meditated on the words they spoke, the music that pulsed, the meals we shared, the memories all reminisced. And this was all I came away with: the dead wrote their eulogies while they each took breath, while they lived life with those sitting around me and how they lived life with me.

I am writing my own eulogy now. My children are writing their own eulogy even if they believe they will never die. My friends, my family, my foes, and all people near and far and yet to be. Those who will read these simple words and those who don’t even know that I exist. We all, every soul, write our eulogies while we take breath. Because in this life, relationships are important.

For good, for bad, for a moment – relationships are important.

So, breathe and live with this holy horror ever present before you: you are writing your own eulogy as you live and breath and have being.

Stoics frame it like this, “Memento mori.” Remember you must die. Death is a consequence or judgment or expected result of living. All who take breath will die. Every person will one day be the center of a remembrance that they will never attend, but will be eulogized because of their actions, words, relations, judgments, decisions. Those living will speak or sing with sorrow over the measure of that life.

Gathered with friends to remember this life that was and is now gone, an idea floats between the silence that grief is the gift of loving. Grief is a grace of a good relationship with the living and now dead. The sorrow of those loved ones left living helps work through the eulogy of the one now gone. It settles the heart when a relationship ends and only memories remain. The only hope a mourner holds onto are reminiscence moments of times gone by. The pull of missing the person is strong and time doesn’t lesson that. A testimony of a good relationship.

Sometimes the relationship was broken or had deteriorated to the point that the grief takes on a different feel. It is not the grief of missing the person, but missing what could have been. What should have been. Actions left undone. Words left unsaid or harshly spoken. Relationship left ripped open. Judgments left blind. Decisions left broken hearts. The death is not just the end of a life, but the end of a relationship – even a broken one. And the pain is still real. All relationships are important. The broken ones leave a different void.

In the grief of a good relationship or a broken relationship or a mixture of both, the mourner cries to a silent God who walks grief with us. And lament becomes the worship of a broken heart to a good God in the midst of this pain and suffering. We grieve and we lament and we take hope over the reality that this life recently here and now gone was important in our life. We will remember them by their actions, words, relations, judgments, decisions.

Just like others will with you. And me.

Listening To Eulogies

He sang a song for his mom, blanketed in the coffin decorated with sunflowers. I knew every word to the song. She lovingly told of the handbreadth of her mom’s life, through tears and smiles and eyes that looked into the evanescent past. He gave the sermon for his mom’s funeral and wove her life as a wife and mom through his own spiritual journey to God. She gave some funny stories about her mom and growing up with her idiosyncrasies. None of us are perfect. He spoke softly, tears strolling down his cheeks, and said only a few words and yet spoke volumes about his love for his mom. She moved through her speech praising her mom in a way that waves roll along a beach and beckon people to venture further in. He said much about his life with his wife in this one statement, “You were the best part of every day.” She signed the song while the others played the piano and sang the words. Her motions moved in a way the music and words failed. Perhaps it was because she and her mom worked in the deaf ministry and her signing was beautifully orchestrated. Perhaps it was because her motions were a dance dripping with sorrow. Perhaps it was because her signing was lament, a worship to God.

Each of the dead wrote her eulogy while she lived and held relationships. And we all took memories and wove stories into a tapestry of life for the family deep in sorrow. Deep in lament.

There were songs. And there was food. And friends I hadn’t seen in ages. And lots of memories. Words tumbled around the dead and the living. Sometimes splashing up against the whys and hows and what ifs. Yet settling on the reality that our living is but a breath.

And is gone.

Faltering The Eulogy

All that remains is the memory of actions, words, relations, judgments, decisions that affect the living.

Each woman who passed, whose party I attended though they didn’t, held onto one hope in this life. They put their love and trust in Jesus Christ as their Saviour and Friend. Though their life did reflect their trust of Him, they also had moments of frustrations and weakness.

One suffered through mental health issues which brought her further and further from reality. One suffered through cancer causing pain that took on a new dimension. One walked broken roads she never imagined. But, they each held grace and forgiveness, but sometimes lashed in anger and resentment.

They knew Christ – condemned, crucified, and resurrected. They knew redemption – separated sinner that is forgiven. They knew grace – a love willing to move heaven and earth to restore relationships. In their struggles and challenges, they walked with Christ. And lived life in light of Grace and forgiveness.

Living the Eulogy

I could simply say this, “be good, be kind, be nice and all your eulogy writing will be perfect.” Or to quote Marcus Aurelius again, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” But that won’t always happen. Self-discipline only goes so far.

Your life is a reflection of what is within your heart, what your soul meditates on, what you fill your time with, what you satisfy your body with. Your life is a reflection of your internal world made visible in all your actions, words, relations, judgments, decisions. Keeping our minds on the brevity of life changes nothing unless it changes our internal world, our heart. And this is no small task.

We all have breaking points when we are tested and tried and tired and tempted and teased. We all often embrace chaos, base emotions, selfishness. We will at some point use our actions or words or relations or judgments or decisions to hurt others. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes not.

Here’s is the dirty little secret in this short breath we call life: we will falter, we will fall, we will fumble, we will fail. We will hurt deeply those we love dearly. Even those of us who walk the narrow path with Christ. The worries of this world will cause us to take our eyes off the LORD and send angry words flying.

Maybe that is just me.

But this is where these women so many spoke eloquently of reminded me: there is always grace. Even in the failure, our hope is the LORD. We wait, we rest, we remain, we stay in Him. Then the character of Jesus can settle on our hearts, our minds, and reflect in our actions the life of Hesed. That character of God displayed in Christ and settles in our hearts. It is kindness, mercy, justice, love, forgiveness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, joyfulness, peace, and grace.

It will happen that we will not always live our eulogy well, that our actions, words, relations, judgments, decisions will be misguided, angry, foolish. Our friends, family, and foes will shed tears over what we did to them. And the only hope we have is to fall on Grace.

Grace In The Eulogy

This eulogy we are all writing is that interaction of our internal world with all our external relationships. The mystery of all this is to find forgiveness at the core and grace ever surrounding every action, word, relation, judgment, decision. Forgiveness heals broken relationships, causes the hurt to know they are seen and the one who harmed that they are heard.

Every word spoken at the funerals I attended were of praise and of stumbling because no one is perfect. No one responds with mercy all the time. Everyone will hurt a relationship. I know when I do, I want nothing more than to restore the brokenness I caused. Sometimes that takes time and prayerful mending, mixed with lots of forgiveness and grace. When I am hurt by others, I want nothing more than to be restored, with lots of forgiveness and grace. All relationships are important. All relationships will be broken at some point.

How to be a good person, how to measure our days and understand the impact of our heart on our relationships? Do this: Seek forgiveness. And forgive. And walk in Grace.

You are living your eulogy.

Let forgiveness and grace colour all your actions, all your words, all your relations, all your judgments, all your decisions.

And when you are broken, let forgiveness and grace colour you.

After each service, I sat in the car and exhaled a little. And inhaled once more slowly. That was it. That was the goodbye the dead will never hear. There was nothing left to say or do. It was time to leave. Leave the family. Leave the memories. And go on living with the new reality that death is real and people fade.

Measure your days. Mark your moments.

Live your eulogy because all your relationships are important.

All the pictures were taken in Seattle over Christmas 2024. The rhythmic meditation of the water became a stark reminder of life, of my relationships with others, and the passage of time. I felt these pictures were important for this blog.